Well behaved women rarely make history.

Well I'm on my fourth week of school and about halfway through this semester. I currently have a 96 in one class and a 97 in the other, but I'm still waiting on some grades so that could change for the better or worse.

Next week I'm flying to San Antonio for work. I'll have some extra time Monday afternoon and Thursday afternoon. I'm very excited because it's another city I've never been to. I'm hoping I can also go in June to San Diego so I can spend an evening with my friend that lives there.

Some things are looking up - others are looking down. I guess it's all part of life. I'm missing someone that's very special to me right now. He tells me wants to be on his own - but it's hard to let go of someone when you really love them, no matter how angry they can make you. If he would just stop for a minute and put some faith in me, then I know by this time next year we could be virtually debt free (and that's his too, personal and otherwise) and on our way to buying a house.

I think about how we could get it all done and paid off and out of the way and it just makes so much sense to me. Then I remember all the problems we've had in the past and I wonder if it could really work. I know things weren't perfect, but we have a kid and if we truly love each other - isn't that enough to fight for? I guess I think so, but he doesn't. Or at least isn't sure. Part of me feels like it's payback for last year - that he feels he has the upper hand in our relationship and has the power to decide if we stay together or not. Maybe if I tell him I won't wait for him then it'll shake him up and realize he doesn't want to lose me - at least it worked on me last year.

We'll see what happens. Right now, I put faith in the Divine to point me in the direction of what's best for me.

I never liked rollercoasters. I especially don't like emotional rollercoasters. I don't understand what's so hard about "Do you want to be with me or not?" It's a simple question with a simple answer. You either love me or you don't.

Right now, I'm not even sure I care about the answer. The back and forth, the arguing, the pesky crap that keeps getting pulled out of the sewer known as "Past Hurts" that eventually get thrown in my face... I'm sick of it all. Right now, I'd just like to hide from it all and let it go away on its own. Unfortunately when you share a child... they never really go away.

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to stress anymore. I want to breathe again and feel the pain slowly die away.

Sometimes, I really fucking hate people.

Ugh. Well, what can I say. Life has a way of making things come back around again and again when there's a lesson you need to learn and don't get it the first time.

I still have tears to cry and heartache to deal with. There are questions that will never be answered and at some along the way, I need to be ok with that. There are frustrations that need to be sorted out and anger that needs to subside. I thought I'd accomplished all this before, but as it turns out - I hadn't.

Oddly enough, I never liked this song when it first came out, but Leona Lewis' Better In Time is pretty spot on for how I'm feeling right now. And yeah, it could be hormonal but somehow I just don't think so.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going
Coming
Thought I heard a knock(Whose there, Noone?)
Thinking that (I deserve it)
Now I realized
That I really didn't knooOooOw

You didn't notice
You mean everything (quickly I'm learning)
To love again (all I know is)
I'll be oooOook


Thought I couldn't live without you
It's going to hurt when it heals too
Oh yeaah (It'll All get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
Oooh(It'll all get better in time)


How could i turn on the TV ooooh
Without something that would remind me
Was it all that easy?
To just put aside your feeling

If i'm dreamin
Don't want to let (hurt my feelings)
But that's the past (i believe it)
And I know that, time will heal it

If you didn't notice
Well you mean everything (quickly i'm learning)
Oooh turn up again (All I know is)
I'll be okaaaaay


Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
Oooh yeah(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to oooooh(It'll all get better in time)


Since there's no more you and me (No more you and me)
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And Live my life how it should be(No No No No No No)
No matter how hard it is
I will be fine without you
Yes I Will


Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
Oooh(It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve too yes I do(It'll all get better in time)

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too yeaaaah Ooooh oooooh (It'll all get better in time)
Even though I really loved you
Gonna smile cause I deserve too Ooooooh (It'll all get better....)

After all that, it's a little hard to find the positives other than I've been getting to spend more time with Aiden and I successfully completed both of my Student Workshops. I indulged a little and got myself this crazy notebook for schoolwork. Ah well, I deserve to splurge a little.

Well, I got my acceptance to U of Phoenix. Have my email and everything. I signed up up for 2 student workshops that are only for 2 days. I'm very excited to start and work on getting my degree. I just hope I have the determination to stick with it through to my Masters.

Not much to update. I applied for school through the University of Phoenix. Very excited - hopefully everything will go through ok and I can start on the 23rd with no problems.

My good things have stayed the same, playing with Aiden, getting time to myself to reflect and relax. Yes, relaxation is a big thing for me since I work so much. There really isn't much else to update on. Just taking things one day at a time.

I did get the books I ordered on Amazon and have started somewhat going through one of them. It's interesting enough. I'm looking for guidance on this and nothing seems to be directing me at the moment. We'll see what happens.

The last few days have flown by in a haze of work crap. Here are some good things:
 

1. Finally got everything returned from xmas gifts.
2. Found more thermals for Aiden.
3. Spent time with Aiden.
4. Got some good nights' sleep a few nights in a row now.
5. Spent time with Matt.
6. Got to relax :)
7. Got my books from Amazon.

Some of those span the three days ;)

I'm so restless and bored. I'd have plenty to do at home but I hate going to an empty house. It's very depressing. Plus I need to go to the grocery store and do some food shopping. I have yet to start taking vitamins. Right now I'm just so tired and blahhhhhh. Maybe Aiden and I will go to the mall tonight for a little bit.

I haven't posted my 3 good things for a few days. They're pretty much all the same - a good day at work, good time spent with Aiden, and being able to do some reflections on myself and my eternal quest for my path.

Hobby update:

~ I haven't messed with my jewelry-making since that one night. I think I have the wrong tools and am debating returning some of the things I bought and buying the right things. The problem is the weather has been really shitty and I'm not eager to make a trek to the craft store to return some things in the snow.

~ Cooking - I've slacked off again. My schedule is wackadoodle and I need to get back in a routine of some kind otherwise I'll never have time for anything.

~ Getting healthy. Well I actually brought a salad to work for lunch last week and my lunch Friday was sunflower seeds, a granola bar, and an apple but other than that... blah. I haven't done anything for this effort. My motivation for everything has fallen by the wayside and I'm not sure how to pump it back up again. I know I need to start taking vitamins - right now I just want to sleep and do nothing at all.

I need to figure out a way to get moving again. I've been extremely tired and my energy level is very low. Could be what I'm eating, could be medical, could be mental... who knows at this point.

For yesterday and today:

Yesterday:

1. I got some of my favorite food :)
2. I spent time with Matt and we had a good talk.
3. I got to spend some time reflecting.

Today:

1. Had a good night's sleep and woke up refreshed.
2. Had a good day at work.
3. Played with Aiden.

There hasn't been much going on lately so I haven't had anything to write about. I've been laying low and just reflecting.  My energy has fallen by the wayside today after a couple days feeling wonderful. I really need to start taking vitamins.

My three good things for yesterday and today:

Yesterday:

1. Shared good jokes with friends.
2. Good conversation with my husband.
3. Fun times playing with Aiden.

Today:

1. Practicing my meditation.
2. Relaxing and staying warm.
3. Talking with good friends.

Random writings...

You told me that you're sorry but I have no use for your reasons.
Without a backwards glance, you grabbed your bag and walked out the door.
Now I spend my days hoping you'll come back to me,
My nights are filled with tears of surrender to my misery.
But when the day breaks and the sun rises again,
I'm on my knees right back at the beginning.
And I... would do most anything to stop this rollercoaster.
I can pack the rest of your things,
I can put away the pictures and all that reminds me of you.
But after all that is gone, I'm still left with my broken heart.
The jagged edges will never let me forget...
How much I loved you and for a very short time how happy we were together.
Everything I need, all that I want is all that's wrapped up in you.

>>Follow up:
So I sent my friend an email telling her I was on a path to self discovery and enlightenment. The response? "Rock on girl u tell it too many wackos out there". I'm not quite sure what that means. I'm still wondering...

/shrug

As those of you reading this journal know, I've started myself on a path of self-discovery (of sorts) and removing the negative aspects of my life. It's easy enough to remove objects, websites, journal entries, etc... but how do you remove people? Especially if you've been "friends" for years?

I have this friend that I've known for well over 15 years. It seems lately that our relationship has gone down the tubes. Mostly because I've pulled back after hearing some pretty disturbing things. In any case, right before starting this journey, I deleted my myspace account, facebook, etc. They weren't serving me any valuable purpose and I didn't need them, so I decluttered and gave them the ax. Now I'm being asked why.

My question at this point is - how do you remove toxic people from your life? I don't want to hurt her feelings because regardless what happens/ed, she's still a person with feelings and emotions. I just feel like our friendship has run its course. To be honest, she hasn't made much effort beyond messaging me through myspace (even though I asked her not to because I can't access myspace at work). She hasn't tried to call me or send me an email to my regular email address.

I guess I'm not sure what to do from here. Like I said, I think our friendship is at a wall and I don't see anyway to remove the wall or break it down or a path around it. We've just become two very different people and I'm unsure how to convey that in a tactful but firm way. My only idea is to send an email giving a high level overview of my current life plan. I'm not sure she'd understand. When I do get emails, they're usually about problems and/or various men in and around her life.

Since that seems like my best course of action, that is probably what I will do. At this point, I'm not sure if I want to confront her with the things I was told. I'm not sure if I want to rehash something that hurt me or if its even necessary.

I will update this post when I have more information.

So I haven't posted my 3 good things the last couple days so here they are:

1/12

1. I went to the doc and got my problem fixed.
2. I started getting my breakfast sandwich on a sesame bagel instead of plain.
3. Easy day at work.

1/13

1. Got Aiden's social security crap straight.
2. Spent time with Aiden.
3. Started messing around with my jewelry making stuff.

Recipe Updates:

I tried my idea for the acorn squash and I was less than thrilled with the results. First of all, the squash I used was really stringy - I'm not sure if that's common for acorn squash or if it was because I had a really small one. In any case, I don't like stringy foods like that. However, the results have potential so I don't want to trash the idea just yet. I could've dealt with the stringiness but it the taste was lacking. I'm thinking I need to just take the flesh out of the skin and cube it, coat in melted butter, and toss it in the sugar/cinnamon mix. Unfortunately, the only sugar I had on hand was white sugar and I think brown sugar would be better. I will definitely be trying this again, just a different variation.

New recipe idea:

How many of you have seen the commercials for the Laughing Cow cheeses? The wedges that come in flavors like onion or garlic and herb?? Anyway, I've actually tried one, I don't remember which, but I have the cubes at home - the plain cheese cubes by Laughing Cow and I've been experimenting with them in my cooking and it got me thinking...

• Boil off some pasta shells, cool completely, and stuff with one of the flavored cheeses. Place in buttered baking dish, top with cream sauce and shredded cheese and bake until cheese is melted/golden.

This recipe isn't exactly budget conscious, however, I'm thinking that if you have this stuff on hand (and yes you can even use a jarred alfredo sauce) and you need a quick dinner or people unexpectedly arrive... voila! Dinner is served and it doesn't require much effort. If you use the large pasta shells, you won't need that much.

More later...

I'm fairly certain most, if not all, of these have been done but I don't have my binder with me to write them down so I'm posting here.

• Sesame crusted tilapia. I read an article from RealAge.com that said sesame seeds can help keep your heart healthy by lowering bad cholesterol and raising Vitamin E levels. So, my idea is to make a seasoning blend with sesame seeds, salt, pepper, and thyme. Coat the fish, spray with a little olive oil cooking spray and baking in the oven. This can be done with any fish, but tilapia is easier, and cheaper, for me to obtain.
• Roasted cauliflower. I've heard that cauliflower can serve as a mashed potato substitute and is very tasty.
• Chili. I'm searching the internet for a good chili recipe because I love hearty foods like that. However, it seems that making chili is about as across the spectrum as the rainbow. Fortunately, I hate beans so the debate of beans or no beans in chili is not an issue for me. I'm going to have to do more research to figure out how I want to do this.
• French Onion Soup. I love love love onions and the idea of making a soup of browned onions makes my mouth water. Especially the sweet vidalias.... mmmm. The problem is that most of the recipes seem to call for sherry and I don't have any. I hate to buy something I'm only going to use once or twice but I may not have much choice if I want a real french onion soup.
• Sweet squash. I have an acorn squash at my house that i see every time I walk into the kitchen and the only thing I can think of doing with it is cutting it in half, cleaning it out, and popping it in the oven with cinnamon and sugar. I've never eaten acorn squash but I have had butternut squash and I absolutely love it. It's also one of those foods, like chicken, that seems to be a blank canvas - good for anything you want to do with it. I usually do a savory dish out of the butternut but I've been curious how a sweet squash would turn out. Since the acorn squash is tiny I figure it's a good candidate for a trial recipe.
• Chicken marinated with yogurt. I'm very interested in trying Indian and Moroccan food and a lot of the recipes I've seen for chicken involve using yogurt as a marinade. Now, I'm not generalizing that all recipes call for this, just most of the ones I've seen. I definitely want to try some of the more simpler recipes so I don't have to spend a lot of money hunting for and purchasing the necessary ingredients. I do, however, plan on investing in a tagine after seeing Emeril Lagasse use it on one of his shows a year or two ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So here are my three good things for today:

1. I got to spend a lot of time with Aiden.
2. I got to relax.
3. I got to do a lot of research on my hobbies :)

So I decided to post some pictures of Aiden from Christmas. Check it out...
 

( Click to see my precious )

 

So in one of my previous posts I mentioned that I was going to start listing three good things that happen to me every day. Before I get to that however, I have more comments about my path to bettering myself and self discovery. I left earlier to go to the mall for work and on the way there I stopped at a few stores. It hit me after getting upset at a woman for blocking one of the checkout lines that I need to stop being so negative towards others in my daily life.

What the hell good is it going to do me to clear the negativity from my personal cyber space but still hold on to it in my daily life? None. That poor woman was just shopping - she had no idea who I was or what I was trying to hurry out of the store for - it wasn't her fault that display at the end of the checkout line caught her eye. I actually felt terrible as I walked out of the store to my car. Who am I to expect people to get out of my way? I'm nobody more important than anyone else and that's when it hit me. I need to be nicer to people and I made a decision that I'm going to do one (at least) nice thing for someone every day. No matter if it's as trivial as letting someone get in front of me on the highway or holding the elevator at work. After I left the store and made my way to the mall, I let several people in front of me and quite a few pedestrians pass and ya know what? I felt great. If other people want to be jerks - let em. Not me. Life is too short to be so angry.

So here are my three good things for today:

1. I bought myself quite a bit of jewelry making supplies at the craft store and spent way more than I should have but at least I'm ready to get started.
2. I was told when I got to work that I didn't need to stay and was let go. YAY!
3. I spoke to my sister on my way home and she told me her husband was accepted to Anasthelogist school. Double YAY!

Ok, so that last one wasn't good news for me but talking to my sister and hearing something great for her family feels like something great for me too.

WOW! I have an update already LOL. To go along with my decluttering, I decided to go through my journal here. I want this to be a place of positive energy and boy was I amazed at how much negative crap I had floating around in my journal.

Now, I'm a natural born cynic so staying positive is going to be a challenge but I figure this will not only benefit me but Aiden as well. I don't want him growing up thinking the worst of everything and focusing so much on the bad things that the bits of happiness get lost along the way.

I read a comment someone left in a post on one of the communities I belong to and it said something about Pockets of Happiness which are the little things that happen every day that are good. Pockets of Happies. An interesting concept and very appropriate for the changes that I'm trying to make. So I'm going to start writing down every night three good things that happened each day and see where it gets me.

Can't hurt, right?? Oops... there goes my cynic again...

I woke up this morning feeling pretty fucking depressed for personal reasons. I deleted my MySpace, Facebook, MyYearbook, and LiveJournal accounts hoping that decluttering my life (cyber life too) would help clear the cobwebs.

While I was in the shower, however, I reminded myself that I once had interests that were important to me and between working two jobs and raising Aiden they got lost somewhere. SO... I undeleted my journal and decided that since we just started a new year, what better time to reengage myself with all those things that interest me.  Here's my list of interests that got shoved to the side (these are my own personal interests - of course Aiden will always be number 1 in my life):

1. Getting in shape. I don't care so much about my size, I'm actually very happy with my appearance. However, by the time I climb the stairs to my apartment on the second floor - carrying Aiden - I'm beat! And that truly sucks! I want to get in shape - build my resistences so I can run with Aiden and not tire out.

2. Cooking. I used to enjoy cooking so much but now it seems to have fallen by the wayside and I find myself opting for crappy convenience food. This particular interest has two parts:

• My plan is to purchase some herb plants and get my damn garden back that I used to have. Now, the only feasible place in my apartment to grow plants is in the bathroom so as weird as that sounds... my herb garden will be in the bathroom lol. It has good light and the steam from the shower keeps the air misty. My only concern is that under my bathroom is the foyer to the building so the bathroom stays pretty cold. I'll have to work that out.
• The second part to this is writing recipes. I have a binder of a few recipes that I've written already and I have some cookbooks. I want to do more writing and oddly enough, I get the most inspiration from Food Network. I want to fill my 2 inch binder with my own recipes. Who knows, maybe one day I'll have a cookbook published. Which brings me to my third interest...

3. Writing. I have soooo many ideas on books but no discipline to put them on paper. I want to save my pennies and buy a laptop for my home so I can work on my stories. What better way to declutter the mind than to put the ideas swirling inside down on paper - or my computer.

4. Crystals. I have a small crystal collection and books on what they're good for but I haven't shown any motivation in continuing my research. I'm fascinated by the metaphysical qualities and healing properties of crystals. I need to complete the identification of what I have, make notes on them, and build on my collection. I also need a dedicated place in my home for this as most sites and books that I've read recommend an altar of sorts for showcasing crystals.

5. Jewelry making. I never really got into this hobby but I have to admit my interest is high. I've been keeping my eye on prices at the craft store and I think I should get myself a kit to get started and see what I can do.

That's my list for now. I'm sure there are more but my brain is so overloaded that I can't think of them at the moment. Anyway, my plan is to post updates on my list - the things I've done to meet the hidden goals in each of my interests. Hopefully I can keep up with this and not be so much of a slacker.

We'll see how it all turns out. Stay tuned for my continuing story...

( Here's the latest of my little man... )

I'm IN LOVE with this website. I wish I had cash to buy some stuff from here... www.pyramidcollection.com. They have the oddest products but I love love love the jewelry!

Here are a few shots of my love-bug...


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